Tombstone in South Park
by 4thn25
Summary: Cartman dream sequence parody of the film Tombstone, with the boys playing some of the various roles.


Tombstone in South Park 

(Boys at Cartman's house)

Butters: I sure bet this new game is great.

Kyle: You can't play Butters.

Butters: Uuohh, why not?

Cartman: Because you're too slow.

Stan: Here, watch me, Butters. Got him!

Cartman: Right between the eyes.

Kyle: I think that was his neck.

Butters: But maybe Billy wasn't that fast.

Cartman: It's in the game Butters. What can you do?

Kyle: Not in the movie, though.

Cartman: I've seen that so many times, I could play it in my dreams.

Kyle: Me, too. I've seen it so many times I could play it backwards in your dreams.

Cartman: Don't you be in my dreams, Kyle!

Butters: What about Frank?

Stan: Got him!

Kyle: Yeah!

(Boys put down game controllers)

Kyle: Cartman, we're going over to Tweak's to see what he's got.

Cartman: (lazily) Mommm! Can I have some cookies?

Stan: See ya, Cartman.

Mrs. Cartman: Here you are, honeybunch. I see you need your energy for your . . is that Tombstone?

Cartman: Energy. Yeah. Thanks Mom.

Mrs. Cartman: I'm going . . shopping . . Eric. I'll be back.

Cartman: And milk, Mawummm!

Mrs. Cartman, quickly retrieving glass of milk: I'll be home sometime tonight, sweetums.

Cartman: I'm faster than you Billy low down . . . get a gun or . . .

(Cartman quickly falls asleep in the corner of the couch and begins to dream)

Wyatt: He watch it there, kid.

Cartman: Who are you supposed to be?

Wyatt: Name's Wyatt. You're too young for the Oriental, kid.

Cartman: Oh yeah! I can go in if I want to go in.

Wyatt: I say you can't. And I've got part of the concession here.

Cartman: What's the game?

Wyatt: Faro.

Cartman: Oh, I love Faro! I play it every night. I'm the Faro master!

Wyatt: I doubt it, kid. But, I like your spirit. You can be my guest. Come on in.

(enter the Oriental to the far table, Faro cards properly laid out)

Wyatt: Kid, you can sit here.

Virgil: Good crowd, tonight, Wyatt.

Wyatt: Sucker born every minute.

Cartman: Yeah.

Man: I'll play. I've got this deed.

Wyatt: It'll do.

(Man bets over the jack, but quickly loses. Meanwhile Doc comes over with Big Nose Kate, after playing the piano)

Wyatt: My friend, it looks like you just bet the farm. Better luck next time.

Virgil: I think Mattie's been lookin for a Christmas gift.

Cartman: Hey! Can I try it! Can I try?

Virgil: What the heck, Wyatt?

Wyatt: Do you really know Faro?

Cartman: Watch me.

(But the next up to the table are Ike, Curly Bill and Ringo)

Curly Bill: I'm feelin lucky tonight.

Cartman: Place you bets.

Curly Bill: Haa! Sure kid. And I better win!

Cartman: Wyatt, you want to take this one?

Wyatt: You're doin fine, kid. Let's play some Faro, gentlemen.

Ringo: You're Doc Holliday, aren't ya?

Doc: It's the rumor.

Ringo: They say you're fast, real fast.

Doc: Darling, no one is faster than Johnny Ringo.

Kate: Not faster than you, darling.

Ringo: Who you callin, Darlin?

Doc: In vino . .

Ringo: Amato amat, semper uh . .

Doc: Now I really, really hate him.

Cartman: So does anyone want to play?

Ringo: You want to see how fast I can spin around this six-shooter, kid?

Cartman: Please don't do that.

(Ringo puts on an exhibition)

Cartman: That was just great guy. So, you ready to play?

(Then Doc takes his tin cup and mimics the same action)

Ringo, smiling: I'll be seeing ya.

(And they walk away)

Cartman: Ah, damnit!

Virgil: Don't worry, kid. They'll be back.

Cartman, shouting: Hey, does anyone want to play FARO? You got papers to the ranch? You . .

Wyatt: Okay, kid. I'll take over again. Spooky night, huh?

Cartman: Who were those guys?

Wyatt: Cowboys. They always wear a red sash.

Cartman: That's kind of . . I guess you guys wouldn't know.

Virgil: They sort of run this town, or at least the big man back at the ranch does.

Wyatt: Virgil's had run-ins with them, before.

Cartman: You?

Wyatt: Not unless we were tryin to rob the same stage - so they say about me.

Virgil: They don't like Wyatt, he don't like them.

Cartman: I'll bet you guys could take 'em.

Wyatt: Step right up, gents! What's your wager?

(In walks Butters, as Morgan Earp)

Virgil: Morgan.

Cartman: Butters? What are you doing here?

Butters: Do I know you, sir?

Cartman: You're dressed up like Wyatt.

Butters: Morgan Earp.

Cartman: You're . . wai-wai-wait. You're Morgan Earp. You fast on the draw?

Butters: You keep on talking la-like that, and we'll see.

Cartman: Oh, I'm sor . . I'm sorry. Okay, Butters, Morgan.

Butters: How's our investment, tonight?

Wyatt: We had some drama, earlier. But we'll manage.

Butters: That mean old Ike Clanton, I'll bet.

(Clanton just leaving with Ringo and some others)

(opening next morning)

Tweak sitting at Faro table: Hey, did I tell you to smoke - AH!

Wyatt comes in: Hey, Milt, who's the bum?

Bartender: Just came in this morning. He started chasing away some of the big clients. I think maybe old man Clanton sent him here. Name's Tyler.

Wyatt: Hey friend. I think you're sitting in my seat!

Tweak: Your, uh, ah, seat!

Wyatt: Yeah, I sit there. You goin move?

Tweak: Ah - so much pressure! You sure talk big for a man that don't go heeled.

Wyatt: Don't need to go heeled to take a tub like you.

Tweak: You callin me fat!

Wyatt: Don't need to call you fat.

Tweak: What? You don't scare me. You think I'm, Ah! I'm scared of you?

(Wyatt walks over to Tweak who stands on his chair)

Wyatt: Yeah. You're scared. Go ahead! Skin that smoke-wagon!

Tweak: WHAT ? AH!

Wyatt: Start the shootin, boy!

Tweak: Shooting? I don't want no shooting! Ahh, Ah!

Wyatt: Come on along, then. Out you go.

(Leads Tweak by the ear, Tweak screaming, and throws him out, tossing his gun to Milt on the way out)

Wyatt: A present for you.

Bartender: It'll go behind the bar.

Butters: Hey, Wyatt. Come on over. Play some pool.

Virgil: Your shot.

Butters: I could play this game all day! Why, we should ea-each have our own pool tables!

Wyatt: You know, Morg. I've been thinkin. Maybe we should open our own dive, milk it for everything, and sell out from under it.

Virgil: I'm goin take a walk, Wyatt.

(Enter the mayor)

Mayor: Virgil.

Virgil: Yeah.

Mayor: Before you go, let me tell you something. There's some good folks in this town. The last marshall was shot.

Virgil: You've got law.

Mayor: Clanton law. The Cowboy Sheriff. You three are doing real well. And that's good. But you might think about the town that's making it possible.

(Virgil walks out, followed by the mayor)

Wyatt: Let him talk.

Butters: Sure. Th-that's all it is.

Wyatt: You're not thinking like that, are you Morg?

Butters: What the heck, Wyatt? You want to break?

(Virgil on the street, some Cowboys ride by almost running over a schoolmarm with some children)

(open on Virgil, wearing a badge, pinning up a gun control law)

People: Nah, you can't mean it. How am I gonna defend . .

Virgil: Now look! Nobody is sayin you can't own a gun. Nobody is saying you can't use a gun. We're just sayin you can't have a gun in town.

(complaints continue, enter Stan as Cowboy Sheriff Behan)

Stan: Mayor, you have to stop this!

Mayor: Town business, Behan.

Stan: You think a piece of paper is going to stop Johnny Ringo?

Mayor: He'll have to turn over his gun, like anyone else.

Stan: I can't wait to see that.

Virgil: You got a problem, Behan?

Stan: You bet I have a problem. You talk about the law, but the law isn't the law just because you say it is. You know, I learned . . .

Virgil: Sure, Behan. You just keep those cowboys out of my way and the law will do just fine.

Stan: Me? I don't control them.

Virgil: Then I will. Right Morg?

Butters: You're a darned, ah, tootin that's right!

Stan: We'll see.

Virgil: That's right, Behan.

(Wyatt comes riding up)

Wyatt: What's going on here, Virg?

Virgil: Can't you see, Wyatt?

Wyatt: I see. Let me talk to you inside.

(Cartman follows them inside)

Wyatt: What's wrong with you, Virgil? This isn't our fight. We're retired!

Virgil: I don't know how you can look the people of this town in the eye . .

Wyatt: I don't have a problem with looking them in the eye, Virg. This isn't our fight!

Virgil: Says you, Wyatt!

Cartman: Yeah, Wyatt.

Butters: Wyatt, you have to b-back your brother's play.

Wyatt: Good luck to you, then. Because obviously my words meant nothing.

(Wyatt storms out of the office)

Cartman: He'll be back. And Doc, too.

Virgil: Doc can stay where he is, as far as I'm concerned. Maybe Wyatt's going over to the Oriental.

Butters: Maybe we can ca-catch him, if we hurry.

Cartman: Yeah, you're going to need another gun if . .

Virgil: Another gun for what, kid? I'll see you over there, Morgan.

(at the Oriental, with Doc playing poker with Ike Clanton. Kyle, as Billy Clanton, is there, and Frank McLaury.)

Kyle: When are you going win a hand, Ike?

Kate: Ike's luck is bound to change, right my sweet 'lover man'?

Doc: I'd say he's about due.

Ike: Just deal, 'lover man'.

Doc: You wouldn't be trying to take advantage of my deteriorated state, would you, Ike?

Kate: Doc can just go for hours, Ike, days even.

Ike: Show 'em!

(Doc shows three kings to Ike's pair)

Ike: You know, Billy, you're right. He sure has been winning a lot. How can a man win that much?

Kyle: You should have won something by now. This isn't right!

Doc: Maybe Poker just isn't your game, Ike?

Ike: Why you . .

(Wyatt grabs him away from Doc. Virgil and Morgan enter, and face the other Cowboys)

Kyle: You lay off of him, Wyatt! Doc was cheating him!

Wyatt: Doc wasn't cheating anybody.

Kyle: Well, he was cheating Ike.

Wyatt: No, he wasn't. I think it's time you headed back to ranch, Billy. Ike.

Ike: Yeah, we'll go. You brothers all stick together, don't you. Don't ya!

Virgil: You weren't cheated Ike. No go home.

Kyle: Yeah, we'll go home, alright. But we'll be back.

Ike: You know we'll be back. This isn't finished!

(Doc collapses from the tuberculosis. Butters and Wyatt carry him out.)

Ike: Guess that cheating didn't help him, after all.

Kyle: No good cheater!

Ike: Give me my rifle barkeeper. I'll tell ya, I see those Earps on the street, I'm a start shootin. It'll be blood!

Kyle: We're going to show them.

(But as Ike turns, Virgil is there and bops him on the head with his pistol)

Virgil: You can come claim him in the morning, kid.

(Kyle and the McLaurys arrive at the jail to get Ike. As they all leave, Wyatt walks up. Kyle accidently bumps Wyatt.)

Wyatt: Easy there, kid.

Kyle: Let's get this straight. I'm not easy. And I'm not your kid.

(Wyatt bops Kyle on the head with his own pistol)

Kyle: Ouch! You guys do that a lot, don't you?

Ike: This isn't over, law dog. We're coming back. We'll be seeing you.

(All four ride off, Cartman is sitting in a chair on the porch.)

Cartman: Wonder what he meant by THAT?

Wyatt: Who cares what he meant, kid? He's tryin to pick a fuss. But it's just empty talk.

Butters: Uh, uh I don't know, Wyatt. He seemed aw-awfully mad.

(later that day, Ike, Billy, the McLaurys and others slowly ride past the sheriff's office)

Virgil: Looks like they mean business, Wyatt.

Cartman: Darned straight, they mean business. Kyle . . . he's mine!

Butters: Y-yeah. They look really mad, alright.

Wyatt: You got yourself into this mess, Virg. All the same, maybe you better swear me in.

Cartman: Yeah! Oh, this is going to be so good.

(The mayor walks up)

Mayor: Virgil. They're down at the OK corral. And they're all armed. They say they're coming for you.

Doc: Hello, Wyatt. Those boys, they mean trouble.

Virgil: You've got no fight here, Holliday.

Wyatt: Go on, Doc. What are you doing here?

Doc: Why, Wyatt, how can you ask such a thing?

Wyatt: Fine. Morgan, give him the street howitzer. I'd rather he have it.

Butters: Bu-but I can shoot it just as well as . . ah, fuzz. Here you go.

Virgil: You ready?

Wyatt: I say, why don't we just let them cool off for a bit? Then we go over there and do this without anyone getting hurt.

Virgil: You might be right.

Cartman: What! No! No, he's not right!

Wyatt: Kid. What do you know? Have you ever killed a man?

Cartman: Uh, yes? Scott Tenerman's parents?

Wyatt: Okay, well I don't want to kill anyone if there's another way.

Cartman: But Wyy-attt, who knows how long he'll be there?

Wyatt: Who?

Cartman: Kyle! I mean . . Billy. Billy. C'mon Wyatt, we have to go now!

Virgil: They are looking for trouble, Wyatt.

Cartman: C'mon you guys. Let's go!

Wyatt: I dont' know, Virg.

Cartman: If you let them go, this time, they're just going think they own the town!

Wyatt: They kind of do.

Cartman: Remember the Alamo!

Wyatt: What?

Virgil: The kid has a point. If we don't do something, it's just going to encourage them.

Cartman: Let's go you guys! . . . Let's go!

(With Cartmen hurrying ahead, waving them to follow, they start walking toward the OK Corral. They round the corner and see six men. Two flee out a back gate.)

Virgil: Throw up your hands! I have come to disarm you!

(Kyle puts his hand on his gun. Doc and the Earps immediately do the same.)

Virgil: No! That's not what I want!

Wyatt: Okay. Now everybody. Slowly take your hands off your guns, and we can come out of this without anyone getting shot.

Kyle: That's easy for you to say. Who said you could be law in this town?

Stan, emerging from side door: Yeah, Wyatt. They'll be no shooting here. Put up your guns! That's an order.

Kyle: Yeah, you heard the sheriff!

Wyatt: I heard him. Maybe you didn't hear me!

Kyle: You think I'm afraid of you, just because you're wearing those black raincoats?

Stan: Yeah, he's not afraid of you!

Butters: I think maybe you be-better do as he says, now, Billy.

Cartman: Hey, Billy. Maybe you don't want to shoot. Maybe you can't shoot.

Wyatt: Shut your mouth, kid! We've got this.

Kyle: I can shoot just fine.

Cartman: Oh, yeah. Five bucks says you can't even get that gun out of its holster.

Wyatt: I said be quiet, kid!

Kyle: You want to see? You WANT TO SEE? AAAHH!

(Kyle tries to fire, but Doc and the Earps are too fast. He's gunned down by shotgun and pistol. Frank starts shooting wildly and hits Morgan in the foot, but it glances off.)

Butters: Ow-ow! I'm shot.

(Tom is finally shot. Ike fires off a few shots but flees the scene. Three are dead. Morgan is slightly wounded.)

Stan: Wyatt, all of you, I'm placing you under arrest!

Wyatt: I don't think I'll let you arrest us, today, Behan.

Cartman: Yeah, you tell him!

(Cartman walks over to the prone Kyle, seeing that he really is dead. He kicks him, and then has regrets. He wakes up.)

Cartman: Oh, man. Just a dream!

(He sees that Stan, Kyle and Butters have returned and are playing Tombstone, again)

Kyle: Hey, Cartman. We didn't want to wake you.

Cartman: Cause it's so easy to sleep with you guys four feet away playing video games.

Stan: Tweak wasn't home.

Cartman: You know, I had the strangest dream, you guys. I dreamed I was back in Tombstone.

Kyle: Yeah, you probably dreamed you were Wyatt Earp.

Cartman: Strangely enough, Kyle, no I did not dream that. But you were there. And Stan, you were there. And Butters, even you were there.

Butters: I w-was?

Kyle: Just pay attention Butters.

Butters: But I, uh, almost got him.

Kyle: You missed. Give me that.

Cartman: And I think I've learned something, today. I may kid with you guys. But you know, I guess I don't hate you guys.

Stan: I don't hate you, either, Cartman. I just don't really like you that much.

Kyle: Hey Cartman, How do you know you're still not dreaming?

Cartman: Heh. That's why I love you guys.

Stan: I wonder what kind of dream he had?

Kyle: I'll just pretend this is Cartman, right here. Die Cartman, Die!

Cartman: Good shootin, Kyle.

Stan: That's messed up.


End file.
